This May Get Worse Before it Gets Better!

Do you know how many times I have clients come back to me after a few weeks of counseling and tell me the skills don't work? A LOT! Let me set the scene. A client comes in for the first session, they unload all their baggage and struggles, yet they leave hopeful because they have a couple skills to practice.

Second session they are optimistic. They say to me, "I practiced the skills a couple times and it helped". I give them a couple more tools to add to the box. Third session rolls around and it begins. "Did you practice your skills?". "I did a couple times, but probably not as much as I should have. I just kept forgetting". "No worries at all. It takes time to make the skills a habit. Maybe set a timer or a sticky note to help you remember".

Usually by the third or fourth sessions I hear it, "I tried to use the skills but they didn't work". At that point I have to ask, "what is your expectation of working". And nine times out of ten the client states they wanted the emotion to go away. I'm here to tell you, our emotions don't go away. We are wired to be emotional beings. We can numb emotions with substances, social media, food, or porn but they are still their waiting for the analgesic to wear off. When we begin the journey of self healing often times we feel worse before we feel better. It gets exhausting having to practice these new skills every day, sometimes every 10 to 15 minutes.

This is sometimes where I lose folks. "What!?! I'm going to have to keep using these skills??? Isn't there an easier way?" The answer is no. Just like learning and mastering a new sport, you must put in the work otherwise you will be riding the bench. Have you ever seen a coach put a player in who hasn't shown commitment to the team or the craft? Has anyone become proficient at a new language without studying and practicing speaking?

So I will refer you back to my first blog post this year, "Therapy is Hard". Learning something will take constant effort until it doesn't. If we practice a new skill, usually after about 3 weeks it becomes easier. It's even easier if you have a clear reason for doing the practice. If you are doing it just because your therapist tells you to, the likelihood of you sticking to it is slim. But if you understand the reason why you are doing it and it's in line with your overall "why" for change. Then the effort has purpose and becomes easier.